10th August 09

When I write, I feel like I'm alive.

Like my words represent who I am and what I stand for. I am extremely vulnerable and although it's never all the truth because words can only do so much, it is better than nothing.

Better than nothing. In many ways, that's how I see life now. At this point of time, I find that life is too unpredictable. Like I told a friend recently, "I just discovered that I am not in control of the world." He laughed. And fair enough. I would have too.

It's just that my perspective has been tweaked. Recently, I have seen living as making the best of the worst. Like my tutor said, "It's like picking the least worst option." In that sense, maybe I'm more realistic. Doesn't mean I'm cynical, there's a big difference. I still hope.

Maybe that's why I'm into happy endings. I'm a hopeful person. As terrible as things may be, I try as best as I can to look for the bright and the beautiful. It's never easy. But without hope, I don't see any point in going on.

When there is hope in the future, there is power in the present. -John Maxwell

I used that quote at my valedictory speech some time ago. It's funny how my words come back to challenge me. I talked about things like 'being persevering and pressing on and being generous and doing good and loving life'. Stuff I really believed in.

Now, my beliefs are being tested. Push comes to shove. The rubber meets the road and I can smell burnt rubber. This is the real deal. Raw and bloody.

--

First day of placement was really good. The school I'm at is a great place. Schooling here is so different from schooling back home. It's so hard to reconcile the two sometimes. They're like two different realities and I don't know where I fit. This is not ideal, but I'll make the best of it.

Cause I'm hopeful, yes I am hopeful for today. :)