My favourite almost four year old in the world!

Meet Ethan Kim Tan. My almost-4 nephew. (He turns 4 in November). Of Korean-Malaysian descent but Australian by birth. He's amazingly cute and smart. We can actually talk about things and I like listening to his explanations. I managed to convince him to make funny faces with me.

He was showing me his toy bug. I was reading him a book on 'yuck-bugs' earlier.


I asked him what face to make and this is what he did. So I tried to copy him.

This is the 'Wooooohhhhh' face.

He called this the 'Ahhh Kiss' because it's like trying to kiss with your mouth open.

How adorable is that? Oh my gawsh...

P.S. He has long hair because he refuses to get it cut. Apparently, he wears his sunglasses when he gets his hair cut. Macho-nya.

21!

Apparently, I'm 21.

The cards on my desk, the 21 roses, the presents, that humongous 'I'm-21-today-badge', the mango cake, the 21 guests (plus Ethan)at the dinner, and the messages in my phone and on facebook say so.

Technically, I'm 21 and a day old today.

And I'm loving it.

Life has been crazy lately. If you had the time, and if I had the time (which is usually the reason) I would sit down and tell you all about it. It's been a whirlwind of experiences and for the first time in a long time, I find myself lacking resources (mostly time) in some ways. It's like I now have to choose and prioritize, knowing that I will have to give up something for something else. That whole idea of opportunity cost comes back to me. But this is good, it helps me filter the important things in life from the less important.

And I am really learning. I'm really growing. I am stretched and I know it because somedays I feel so fragile, so tired, and small. But I give God a hard time and warn Him that if He doesn't come through, I will surely curl up and die. And so far, He always has. Not in the ways I would expect, but He steps up. He's faithful like that.

And I'm so grateful. So so so grateful for the good things in life. For a God who is good all the time. For family that cares enough to tell me the truth and support me in my dreams. For friends, for the fun times and non-judgy relationships we have. For beauty- for truth- for love.

For fried eggs that my housemate just cooked up for me. For the sister of a friend that lives just across the street (I feel like I haven't seen you in AGES). For the bestfriend who stayed over last night. For the roomie who never fails to encourage me (in the most innovative of ways). For parents who flew down only to suffer a hip-nerve arrest when they shouted us Japanese food. For the dude who reminded me that 'it's the heart that counts'. For the Lifegroup that played/learned how to play netball because they knew how much Ad and I love it. For the other bestfriend who is working on some spectacular bday gift that requires another 10 over pages ( I cannot wait).

I could go on and on, but I shall stop.

For all of it (and all the other unmentioned stuff), I am a very happy and grateful, 21 year old.

10th August 09

When I write, I feel like I'm alive.

Like my words represent who I am and what I stand for. I am extremely vulnerable and although it's never all the truth because words can only do so much, it is better than nothing.

Better than nothing. In many ways, that's how I see life now. At this point of time, I find that life is too unpredictable. Like I told a friend recently, "I just discovered that I am not in control of the world." He laughed. And fair enough. I would have too.

It's just that my perspective has been tweaked. Recently, I have seen living as making the best of the worst. Like my tutor said, "It's like picking the least worst option." In that sense, maybe I'm more realistic. Doesn't mean I'm cynical, there's a big difference. I still hope.

Maybe that's why I'm into happy endings. I'm a hopeful person. As terrible as things may be, I try as best as I can to look for the bright and the beautiful. It's never easy. But without hope, I don't see any point in going on.

When there is hope in the future, there is power in the present. -John Maxwell

I used that quote at my valedictory speech some time ago. It's funny how my words come back to challenge me. I talked about things like 'being persevering and pressing on and being generous and doing good and loving life'. Stuff I really believed in.

Now, my beliefs are being tested. Push comes to shove. The rubber meets the road and I can smell burnt rubber. This is the real deal. Raw and bloody.

--

First day of placement was really good. The school I'm at is a great place. Schooling here is so different from schooling back home. It's so hard to reconcile the two sometimes. They're like two different realities and I don't know where I fit. This is not ideal, but I'll make the best of it.

Cause I'm hopeful, yes I am hopeful for today. :)

Therapy

There's something about baking and cleaning that I find therapeutic.

In baking it's the steps and the methods that are sequential that make the whole process very fulfilling. You measure ingredients. You follow the recipe. You mix A with B. You cream it. You fold it and you watch it slowly form. You taste a bit of it and are able to imagine the end product.

I enjoy every step. I enjoy it because I don't think about anything else but it. It's a break from the world. From crap. From noise. From traffic. From assignments. From feelings.

For those few moments, I only want to get the cake right. Nothing else matters.

And then there's cleaning. Where you put things in order. Folding is one of my favorite chores. I sit with a heap of clothes smelling like soap kissed by the sun. I start with the big ones. I make sure the trousers are turned right-side in. Then I move on to the shirts. Both sleeves in and I halve it. Now the tiny things like underwear. I love bright coloured underwear. Pinks, blues, reds. I use the LIM-method of folding (cause I learnt it from Auntie Melon)where I tuck in the bottom so it remains securely in a ball.

At the end of that I feel like I've done some good in the world. I may not have saved a life, scaled a mountain or performed open-heart surgery but I feel accomplished. I've brought about some order, to an orderless heap of cotton.

I feel prouder than I should be.

--

I start my placements tomorrow. And I'm crazy nervous. I would bake and clean if I could but it doesn't seem feasible at the moment so I write about it.

Dear God, please be with me as I go into that school tomorrow. Make me a blessing. Amen.

Optimistic

Today, I am optimistic.

I have finished an assignment and have one more to go. There are so many things I could worry about right now, but I won't.

I read my bible last night. I'm starting on James again. I really love reading that book. It helps me go on. The whole testing of faith and faith without deeds thing. You know, I'm just going to copy it out and put it here.

"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way." -James 1:2-4 (The Message)

I hear myself say, 'I can't wait for this to be over' so many times. I'm a whinny whinging pms-ing person who cannot wait to get back into my comfort zone. Today, I will shut-up, listen and learn.

And then to chapter 2.

I really like the last verse. The way it's written. Sounds quite artsy- note the symbolism of the corpse.

"The very moment you separate body and spirit, you end up with a corpse. Separate faith and works and you get the same thing: a corpse". James 2:26 (The Message)

How 'Woah' is that? Faith and works. Means if God says "Go" I "Go".

And then chapter 3.

"Don't be in any rush to become a teacher, my friends. Teaching is highly responsible work. Teachers are held to the strictest standards. And none of us is perfectly qualified. We get it wrong nearly every time we open our mouths. If you could find someone whose speech was perfectly true, you'd have a perfect person in perfect control of life" -James 3:1-2 (The Message)

So it's quite funny, cause I woke up thinking about teaching. Okay I'll give you a glimpse of my train of thought.

Is it morning already-Hmm, I wonder where will I be and what would I be doing in a couple of years time-I wonder if I will end up travelling and teaching-what about settling down-would i work for money-maybe i'll just marry someone wealthy-but i don't think i will have a luxurious life- what teaching styles would I use- will we have enough resources in Malaysia- imagine teaching back at Sri Sempurna-maybe i'll get to become a principal someday-

STOPPPPPPP! Let us live in the present hey? I'll leave that to unfold in time.

Anyway, I don't really remember the point of this post. Accept maybe, to express my feelings of optimism. And to record the verses somewhere.

"Read your bible pray every day, pray every day, pray every day,
Read your bible pray every day and you'll grow, grow, GROW!"