Good discussion

I just got back from Lifegroup and I really really enjoyed it. I realize that I hardly ever blog about my lifegroup. This is probably my first time. I'm so terrible. They really are, the best!

We spoke about 'liminal spaces' for a bit before we digressed to a whole other topic 'Boy-girl relationships'.

It was so interesting because Steph Tong and I were the only girls. There were 7 other guys, I think. But it feels so good to talk openly about it. I mean, to really hear what the guys thought and them hearing what we thought.

And especially because I've been binging on books on relationships (seriously) and sometimes it's just too much information that it gets confusing. It was refreshing hearing real people talk.

Eventually, there were some ideas that brought up really good discussion.

1. The list (you know, the must-haves and the negotiables) How important is the list? What happens if you meet someone who doesn't meet ALL the points on your list? How do you go about it? What's on the list? And should you bring up the list to your partner?

2. What do girls want? The boys really wanted to know this. I think Steph and I agreed on leadership and guys knowing want they want and where they're headed in life. Leadership and direction, the two main things. We had to explain this to the guys. It was quite funny.

3. The paradox. We also discussed how the 'curse' for women as stated by some books was that they tend to want to dominate in a relationship yet want the guy to step up. Hence, the paradox. One way or the other, something's amiss. But I guess being aware of it helps.

4. The fears. For man- apparently, failure. For women, being unloved...or insecurity. Another interesting discussion which got us telling stories of how those fears have led to destructive states. And it was so interesting to hear guys worrying about getting it 'right' so much so that they're afraid to do something. And girls who worry more about being alone so that they settle for way less that they deserve. And finally saying that that's why they both need God. For guys to find their strengths in God and for girls to first be secure in God.

5. Communicate- Then we highlighted the importance of honesty and communication. Because at the end of the day, even as partners, we live in separate bodies and we need to express ourselves honestly. Why guess when you can ask? When you can just 'say it' and save yourself all that headache. Honesty is the best policy. And alright, one point I got from a book is- where there is no honesty, there is no relationship.

There was so much more but these are the things I remember most.

Ahhh, I love good discussions.

Spring

Now, this, is what I call spring. Finally, the sun has decided to come out from hiding. Finally, the clothes dry in a day. Finally life has meaning again.

Through my blinds I look out and see the sun rays falling on the green grass. It has never looked greener. It's pretty when the blue is so blue and the green is so green even for a colour blind person like me. And the fence. Ah, the fence. To have a housemate who, in her bouts of creativity decides to scribble drawings and words on it with coloured chalk. To that I say, "write on!"

Similarly, I choose to believe in a spring spirit. Not in an airy fairy way. But in a 'let's face life' head on way. Things hardly ever work out the way you plan. Life surprises you. But hey, the beauty is in the learning, isn't it?

I don't think I've ever felt so wrong about so many things before. My ideals are so challenged in every way. Sometimes I think of discarding them altogether. But I can't. So I choose instead to face reality, to see the nitty-gritty yucky bits of it and just take it. Suck it up. Face it because above all things I know there is a bigger picture. That God is faithful.

I should be faithful too.

Categorize

It's an amazing skill that we use every day. We put things into categories to say that 'this' is different from 'that'. Our brains do it naturally. We live categorized lives.

I imagine my brain to have folders and folders of things. Boxes, stacks of them with yellow labels of themes- uni, food, boys (or a boy in particular), books, friends, family. You know, the way your garage looks when you're about to shift houses.

And it's funny how your thoughts just keep going on. It's easy to get lost in them. Especially when there's something bugging you and you cannot help but harp on it... on and on. You don't even realise that you are, but when you do, you find that so much time has passed.

At the start of the year, I made a resolution to drive carefully. That meant to concentrate on my driving and not let my mind wander. A way to avoid accidents. Sometimes, when I feel like my mind is starting to drift, I clap my hands in the car and make a lot of noise. Yes, like a psycho.

Today, while I was driving home from the shops, I can't remember what it was I was thinking about but I totally forgot to buy Joanne's sar hor fun with extra chilli. Didn't even think of clapping my hands or making noise. So I had to drive all the way back to the shops for it. I felt so silly. This is why day-dreaming while driving is bad.

Waste my petrol.

Thus, the holidays have begun.

So many things I want to do. I think I will make a list:

1. Bake.

2. Read.

3. Learn Mandarin or Cantonese (or improve at least).

4. Cook proper food, as well as go crazy doing what Jean and I used to do by simply making up our own recipes.

5. Exercise (which I have been doing).

6. Meet up with friends.

7. Pray more.

8. Write more.

9. Explore. I want to go somewhere I haven't been before.

10. Start packing for home-home. :) :) :)

Manage

Some of you might have read this already. Here, you may read it again. :)

---

I could explode right now. I know I was right about her being tardy and forgetful. There are so many things about her that I could point out as her failures. She was late today, she left the dishes undone, and insanely heaved what seemed like a bucket of salt into the soup.

It’s one of those days. The ones where I wonder why I agreed to this social obligation; to get married. One of those days where I wish I was free from commitment, from having to be accountable and responsible for not just me anymore, but us.

I know she tries and I know I try but sometimes it gets tough. It gets hard, it gets painful and tiring. We have our differences, we argue and now I wonder how we actually manage to get on.

The dirty dishes are stacked. She’s still at work and I’m hungry with a bowl of saltwater to ease my pangs. “Ouch!” I discover an ulcer and chew on it while pushing the bowl of soup away. An unconscious habit I have had since young.

I walk to the sink and start to clear the dishes.

I notice a yellow post-it sticking out.

“ Had to jet, sorry about the mess. I know you want to say ‘I told you so’ but I really have to run. Will clean up when I get back. Love you, Maggie.”

She was right about the ‘I told you so’. I was so going to do that. I cannot stop a chuckle that escapes.

Soon a smile sneaks up on me. I begin to soap and rinse the plates. I’m doing this for us, and not me. I know she does the same-putting us before herself. And now that I think about it, I guess that’s how we manage.

1000 steps

I started my holidays with an invigorating walk through the 1000 steps trail- Mount Dandenong. I thought it would be easy as pie. No such luck. But we made it to the top and back down again. We as in Addie, Auntie Sally, Auntie Connie, Auntie Yin Keen and I. (I heart you Addie!) Got to get the pics from you soon.

Feels so good. I'm so proud of us even though it would be considered an easy feat for many. I've just been feeling so lumpy, fat and lazy during the study period that this, this was just refreshing. Ah, the burn that I miss.

Oh and then we had pie in the sky and scones. Beautiful. Even though it was a rainy day and I was feeling quite groggy.

Yes groggy. You would think that since it's the start of the holidays for me, I'd be catching up on sleep and resting this few days but, Nooooo, my brain refuses to stop. I was so tired but I still had trouble sleeping last night. Toss, turn, toss turn and sleep, toss, turn, and Addie calls at 7.20 am.

It's a holiday thing. I feel so energized. Like the energizer bunny. In the sun, in the rain, always buzzing with energy. Zed-Zed-Zed. That's what I imagine energy sounds like.

Wake me up music.

Yesterday I woke up wanting to listen to loud, jeng jeng jeng, rar rar rar, music. So I listened to Paramore and Relient K.

Today, I feel like something more mellow, meaningful and melty.

Ended up clicking on 'Your love is extravagant' by Casting Crowns.

Your love is extravagant
Your friendship, it is intimate
I feel I'm moving to the rhythm of Your grace
Your fragrance is intoxicating in the secret place
Cause Your love is extravagant

Spread wide in the arms of Christ there's a love that covers sin
No greater love have I ever known; You considered me a friend
Capture my heart again

--

Ahhh, now, I can face the day.

One last paper tomorrow and I will be done with uni for the year. :)

Lost

I used to think it would be fun to get lost somewhere. No, you don’t understand. When I say, get lost somewhere, it means, somewhere.

Somewhere is this idea of a place that’s known. A place that’s watched. It’s ground that’s understood and covered although not by me. It’s different from nowhere. I would never want to get lost nowhere.

With somewhere, someone’s got a view from the top. And when I’m stuck in the mess of it and can’t seem to see, someone sees the bigger picture, in which I am a blinking dot. Blinking cause I’m still alive.

How much more vague can I get?

I tried lah. I tried very hard to write on this topic. That’s what I could come up with for now.

I hate all these half-finished pieces. But the more I think about it, the more I realise that my pieces are never complete and they can’t ever be because you always build and rebuild on what you know. You write and rewrite. You learn and relearn.

C’est la vie, isn’t it?

A head that's light

My head feels light today.

It's like I try to study for that last Social Research paper on Wednesday but my brain feels like paper. Airy and without substance. I just want to lie down on the floor and look at the ceiling.

I remember doing silly things like that as a kid. We have this mahogany wooden table back home in Malaysia. I used to lie underneath it and just look at the fine lines in the wood while the cold from the marble floor crawled through my skin. It's funny how we treat cold as a presence when what it is, is the absence of heat.

Ah, another point I want to make. It's been too cold to think. It's like how someone described it to me. Your thoughts can't even develop cos you think of something and it's interrupted by this warning of how it's too cold. So your mind goes from social research-qualitative research- Cold-Cold-Cold! It's sunny, but it's still so deceptively cold.

Spring, my butt lah Melbourne!

Exhausting Dreams

You know what I mean. The kind of dreams you wake up from feeling more tired than ever. Your 7 hours of sleep, down the drain. I had one of those last night.

---

It was a friend's wedding, although I don't really know this person in real-life. And I had prepared a poem for her and her partner (who was a man, but then was a woman, cos dreams are funny like that). And it was such an exhausting week cos we were preparing for the wedding. I didn't think much about the poem until the moment I was supposed to recite it.

I was all nervous and all when the emcee called someone else to read out my poem. And 3 other women began to read it out. Trust me, it was a different poem but according to them, the meaning was the same. So I started getting a tiny bit frustrated and something was going on with the sound system but those three women, who apparently were lit scholars kept interrupting each other about the best way to read the poem.

Then we were struggling for the mic. I just wanted to say something to the couple. Oh my gawsh, you cannot believe how tiring and stressful this felt in my dream. So I finally got the mic, and the three women just would not shut-up. And when they did, this is what I said to the couple:

"I just want to use the example of the poem. It's a poem that three women are fighting over because each of them think they know the best way to read it. Similarly in life, that's what's going to happen. People are going to tell you things, to say you should do things this way or that way as a couple because apparently, it's the best. They will consciously or unconsciously influence your marriage. But I want to remind you, to protect your marriage. Make sure that it's the both of you making the decisions. That you prioritize each other and block out the exhausting screams of the people around you to listen to each other. Then decide for yourselves. It's your poem, read it the way you like to."

(Okay, I probably wasn't as eloquent in my dream, but in wakefulness, it's kinda hard to remember verbatim.)

But the women would not shut-up. I felt a head-ache coming on.

Then I woke up. An hour and half before my alarm was set to ring. Sunlight was streaming through the blinds and I knew there was no way I would be able to get back to sleep.

So here I am, blogging. Yawn.

Out of practice

I haven't been free-writing in a looooooooong time.

There's no space for free-writing when you have 3 major assignments due in the last week of uni.

Your mind is filled with connector words (or conjunctions) like: nevertheless, however, hence, consequently, as a result, interestingly, therefore, and ergo (when I've exhausted the rest).

I just play around with them in my essays. That's as far as creativity goes in an academic essay.

So, I'm going to give this a go.

Free-write whatever in ten minutes. Let's see how this goes.

Ben always wondered why life was the way it was. You know, funny, uncertain, surprising, unexplainable yet it could be boring and mundane and tiresome all the same. It was a hot summer's day and Ben was having lunch on the front deck because it was cooler there. He looked at the clothes drying in the back. Mum washed all the whites last night. A light wind swayed them back and forth.

His mind wandered as his molars mechanically crushed the bits of peanut in the peanut butter and jelly sandwich he was having. In his mind he wasn't a boy anymore. He was a man. Big and strong and mighty. Just like Superman. And of course, there was a girl- sweet, smart and artsy. He would say 'hi' and she would say 'hi' back. He would take her our for ice-cream and they would discuss their favourite Saturday morning cartoons.

Ouch. His opened his jaw and did everything to lower his scream . He fingered the surface of his molar to remove the obstruction. Stupid rock. He flicked it with his forefinger and it landed somewhere in the grass.

--

Okay... that's where I got to in ten minutes. Yes, I don't have to come up with an ending. Although, now I really want to.

I'm so sorry you guys have to put up with this kinda thing on my blog.

Change.

I remember being in my first year and in my first or second education tutorial. My tutor asked a bunch of us aspiring teachers what we wanted to do.

"Do you want to reproduce what has been done before you, or do you want to change the world?"

My heart was racing. I knew what I wanted. Most of us wanted the same thing. We wanted to change the world.

It gives one hope that you're not the only one who thinks that way.

So when I found out about this, I wanted to be involved. Imagine. Things could be different.

Do you feel the same way to? If you do, jump on the link to find out more. :)

Song

And then I'm hit by this great need to sing.

Like words and visual art aren't enough. I feel a song coming on, a melody that escapes without my being able to hold it back. And half-formed lyrics that don't make any sense.

I feel like a baby learning to talk.

So I sing... thank God no one is in the house. I grab Jon's guitar and strike a chord. And then I hum a melody because I have to.

I remember the days when I was a young tween and I wanted to be Britney Spears.

A young mindless tween.

Now, as a mindful 21 year old, I just want to be Colbie Cailat.

Beauty

There's something about beauty that adds that bit of zest to life. Today, I was so desperate for some sort of visual art that I signed up for flickr and went through the stuff other people have produced. Pictures of people, of dance, of smiles, of grass, of kites, of colours, of life. Pictures I wish I knew how to take.

Today I feel like expressing myself visually. I feel like painting my feelings away.

I know I could always write. But for now, words just fall short. Like there's something missing. That oomph.

Yeah.